Friday, March 10, 2017

PHISH OUT OF WATER (SNEAK PREVIEW)




             
           LEON TCHAIKOVSKY’S         PHISH OUT OF WATER
























Leon Tchaikovsky
19th Century Wolf Productions
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
17101-1124
United States of America














FADE IN

EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY

DAVE CLEVELAND, a twenty-something handsome athletic male wearing a swim bodysuit, stands on a boat owned by Ocean Earth. The commercial name “Ocean Earth” is displayed prominently on the side of the boat and on all parts of the boat within photographic view.

ZOYSIA POLARANYSKY, a camera operator, films Dave on his camera.

DAVE
Welcome to another edition of Animal World
Network’s show “Ocean Earth Saves”. I
am your host, Dave Cleveland. When not
timing, you can meet me when you visit
the Ocean Earth Hollywood theme park.
Stay at the Ocean Earth Hotel, and there
is a chance you can get an autograph
and a photograph with me at the exciting
Ocean Earth Hotel Breakfast  Buffet.
Today is the day that truly excites us at
Ocean Earth. Today is the day that rescued
and rehabilitated sea lions will be returned
to their environment.

EXT. VIDEOS OF SEA LION - CONTINUOUS - DAY

The film shows several emaciated sea lions on land.

DAVE (v.o.) (cont’d)
    An alert public notified Ocean Earth of a
number of emaciated sea lions. Due to
a shortage of fish along the shores, these
younger sea lions had been unable to
find enough nutrition. Had they not been
rescued, they were days if not hours away
from certain death.

The films shows sea lions being fed intravenously.

DAVE (v.o.) (cont’d)
The sea lions bodies were too weak to
be fed solid food. They were fed intravenously
until they were strong enough to be fed
fish. Ocean Earth saved their lives.

The film shows Dave throwing fish which the sea lions eat.

DAVE (v.o.) (cont’d)
Once their bodies were strong enough,
they happily ate meals of fish. This
continued until they reached normal
body weights. Ocean Earth nourished
the sea lions back to health

The films shows Dave placing sea lions into cages by the Ocean Earth boat.


DAVE (v.o. (cont’d)
The sea lions are on their journey to
return to the ocean. They are being
released several miles away from
the shoreline, where they should find
fish more plentiful. Ocean Earth helps
pay its respect to aquatic life.

EXT. PACIFIC BOAT - DAY

A boat owned by the Bryce Wainwright Foundation sails on the ocean. This is a research boat and much smaller than the Ocean Earth boat.

JUNE SPARROW pilots the boat.

AMBER STONE, a twenty-something attractive researcher with a bit of a nerdish bookish look wearing shorts and a shirt, stands on the Bryce Wainwright  Foundation boat, speaking before a camera.

CECILY VILACETTI. a camera operator, films Amber.

AMBER
This is Amber Stone, Assistant
Lecturer at West Hollywood
Community College’s Department
of Marine  Biology. Under a grant
from Bryce Wainwright Foundation,
we have been engaged in efforts
to preserve the endangered
Ringo Starrfish. Once feared extinct
hopes were revived when two
Ringo Starrfish were spotted along
the Catalina Island coast.

Amber holds up a photograph of two Ringo Starrfish whose features look freakishly similar to Ringo Starr.

Amber holds up a photograph of a Ringo Starrfish superimposed over the head of a photograph of Ringo Starr drumming.

AMBER (cont’d)
These two fish were captured. But,
then, our initial hopes of breeding
were momentarily dashed when both
fish were found to be female. Yet
happiness was restored when one of
the females turned out to be pregnant.
After several years of carefully
breeding in our college’s fishery,
we are now proud to announce that
we shall be reintroducing several
hundred Ringo Starfish back to the
Pacific Ocean. We hope the species
will revive and survive an increasing
hazardous ocean often challenged
by the insensitive of humans.

JUNE
We’ve reached our destination.

June turns off the boat’s engine.

AMBER
We’ve reached a point that we
believe will be perfect for the
Ringo Starrfish to soon no
longer be an endangered
species. One that is far enough
from human pollution yet close
enough to the shoreline with
which the Ringo Starrfish are
familiar.

Amber hears an approaching boat.

Amber turns and watches the Ocean Earth boat pull alongside it.

DAVE
Hello, Wainwright Foundation. What
brings you to the neighborhood.

AMBER
We’re releasing several hundred
Ringo Starrfish to the ocean.

DAVE
That’s great. Sea lions love to
eat Ringo Starrfish.

AMBER
Which is why I picked here. Sea
lions are seldom found in this
area.

DAVE
Not for long. I am about to
release several sea lions here.

AMBER
You can’t do that. Ringo Starrfish
are an endangered species.

DAVE
These young sea lions need help.
They need a safe place to find
food.

AMBER
Why don’t you find somewhere else
to release your sea lions?

DAVE
Why don’t YOU find somewhere
else?

AMBER
This decision represents years of careful
academic research.

DAVE
This is national television. I win.

AMBER
How does that make you the winner?

DAVE
I have millions of viewers rooting for
survival of these sea lions.

AMBER
I am working to predict the survival
of an entire species.

DAVE
Fish species are a dime a dozen.
I am representing a multi-million
dollar television show. People
care more about sea lions than
some little know breed of fish.

AMBER
I am working to save the balance
of the aquatic world.

DAVE
So am I.

AMBER
There’s a whole ocean out there.
Find somewhere else to release
your sea lions.

DAVE
It is a huge ocean. You should find
another spot.

AMBER
I’m not moving.

DAVE
You know what? You win. Go ahead,
release your fish.

Amber and Cecily pick up a huge aquarium of Ringo Starrfish.

Amber and Cecily pour the Ringo Starrfish to the ocean.

Amber and  Cecily stand back watching the Ringo Starrfish swim around.

Dave opens the cages and releases the sea lions to the ocean.

The sea lions jump into the ocean.

DAVE (cont’d)
Happy eatings!

Amber displays her anger in her face.

AMBER
YOU BRUTE!

INT. BRYCE WAINWRIGHT OFFICE - DAY

The office is an expensive office with much aquatic memorabilia.

Amber sits in a chair in front of a huge desk.

Dave sits in a chair in front of a huge desk.

CHLOE BAUER, dressed in an expensive business dress, addresses Amber and Dave.

CHLOE
Bryce Wainwright is more than
happy to hear your dispute.
Please note that he is ninety-six
years old, so please explain
the situation as briefly as you can.

The door to the room enters.

BRYCE WAINWRIGHT, a 96 year old man dressed as a sea captain, slowly enters the room.

Dave stares at Bryce with reverence.

Amber stares at Bryce with reverence.

After reaching halfway to the room, Bryce stops.

Bryce engages in deep thoughts for a few seconds.

Bryce turns around.

Bryce shuffles towards the door.

CHLOE
Mr. Wainwright, where are you going?

BRYCE
I forgot to flush.

CHLOE
Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.

Bryce stops walking.

Bryce turns around.

Bryce shuffles towards his desk.

Chloe speaks into a microphone attached on her shoulder.

CHLOE
Fish One needs Toilet One
handled, ASAP.

Bryce sits behind his desk.

BRYCE
What may I do for the two of you?

AMBER
Mr. Wainwright, your Foundation
has sponsored the saving of the
Ringo Starrfish species. Recently,
we reintroduced this threatened
species to the ocean. An Ocean
Earth boat then deliberately
released sea lions into the same
area knowing that the sea lions
would eat these endangered fish.

DAVE
Bryce, you know better than
anyone. There is a circle of
aquatic life. Everything in the
ocean eats other things in the
ocean. Ocean Earth, which you
own, is helping to save sea
lions. This is part of our top
rated television show. Millions
of people, including millions
of children, are following the
progress of our efforts saving
sea lions. I will do what I
can to save sea lions.

AMBER
Mr. Wainright, your fund the
efforts to save the Ring Starrfish.

DAVE
Bryce, it is the profits from our
television show and the Ocean
Earth theme park that pays for
the grants to save the Ringo
Starrfish as well as other species.

AMBER
Mr. Wainwright, I believe Ocean
Earth should reimburse West
Hollywood  Community College
for the loss of Ringo Starrfish
eaten by sea lions released
by Ocean Earth.

DAVE
Which is ridiculous. Who knows
how many Ringo Starfish were
even eaten by our sea lions.

Bryce nods towards Chloe.

CHLOE
Mr. Wainwright has made a
decision on this matter.

Amber leans forward in anxious anticipation of Bryce’s decision.

Dave leans forward in anxious anticipation of Bryce’s decision.

Bryce speaks slowly yet distinctively.

BRYCE
Tell the sea lions not to eat too
many Ringo Starrfish.

INT. OLYMPIA’S BEST COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Amber, Cecily, and June sit at a table drinking large cups of coffee.

AMBER
I don’t believe that wealthy jerk
didn’t stand up for us.

CECILY
After years of work on his
project.

JUNE
Don’t be too harsh. He pays
our salaries.

AMBER
We’re the academic research
that makes his money grubbing
stuff look virtuous.

CECILY
Bryce Wainwright’s only care
about ocean life is how much
money he can make out of it.

JUNE
We should have charged
admission to our aquariums.

AMBER
If only Ringo Starrfish could
jump out of the water through
hoops.

JUNE
Dancing Ringo Starrfish. I
would pay to see that.

CECILY
His commercials about how
Ocean Earth is saving fish
species cost more than what
he paid to fund the efforts.

AMBER
We’re exist just to give
legitimacy to a greedy
robber barron.

CECILY
Fish robber barron.

Dave enters the coffee shop.

Zoysia enters the coffee shop beside Dave.

DAVE
Oh, look, its the…

Dave makes a mocking face towards Amber, Cecily, and June.

DAVE (cont’d)
losers.

AMBER
Look, its the spoiled rich kids
here to bully the smart kids
because of their inferiority
complexes.

DAVE
Wrong, because, believe me,
I feel superior to all three
of you in every way.

AMBER
Only thing advantage you
have is a bigger boat. You
must be going through an
early midlife crisis.

JUNE
Go order your child’s drinks
and leave us alone. We have
actual scientific work to do.

ZOYSIA
Our work on sea lions is
just as complex as whatever
it is you do…with a research
grant…with no one checking
how many hours you really
work.

AMBER
Let’s settle this, man to man.
Too bad your side doesn’t
have a man.

DAVE
We’re at a disadvantage.
Three men against just me.

AMBER
Let’s see who’s the real
bigwig. Coffee challenge.
You pick the poison. We
drink at the same time.
First to take a bathroom
break, voluntarily or
involuntarily, loses.

DAVE
You’re on. I pick dark roast,
black, with three shots of
expresso. Extra large. Five
minutes to finish one drink
before moving to the next
round.

AMBER
Bring it on, loser.

INT. OLYMPIA’S BEST COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Amber sits at one side of a table with eight empty large coffee cups in front of her.

Amber drinks from a ninth extra large cup.

Dave sits at the other side of the table with eight extra large cups in front of him.

Dave drinks from a ninth extra large cup.

Zoysia, June, and Cecily stand watching Amber and Dave.

A CROWD of people stand around watching Amber and Dave.

Amber finishes drinking and slams down her cup.

Dave finishes drinking and slams down his cup.

AMBER
You’re slowing down, Dave.

DAVE
Not at all. I was just daydreaming
of running streams, waterfalls,
and rushing rivers.

Dave unsuccessfully hides the pain of resisting the call of nature.

AMBER
Admit it, Dave, you’re getting
weak. You’re big man bladder
is about to lose to a smaller
woman with a smaller boat,
because we all know, I’m
the bigger person.

Amber unsuccessfully hides the pain of resisting the call of nature.

DAVE
I see the smaller, weaker bladder
is about to explode, like a dam burst,
watering overflowing.

AMBER
You’re right. It is silly to risk our
bodies like this. Go ahead. I’ll
let you win.

Dave jumps up and down excitedly.

DAVE
Yes. Winner. I win.

Dave’s pants become wet around the crotch and then down the legs.

AMBER
You lose. You lost control first. I win!

DAVE
Wait. You said you were out.

AMBER
No I didn’t. I said I would only
consider letting you win.

DAVE
Cheater.

AMBER
Like releasing your sea lions
after I release your fish?

DAVE
You…you…you are a horrid
woman.

AMBER
And you’re a sure loser, who
peed his pants in public.

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Dave walks around the room in soaked pants looking through piles of papers and clothes.

Zoysia walks around the room looking through piles of papers and clothes.

DAVE
I know I keep a spare pair of
pants something, just for this
reason.

ZOYSIA
Do you often pee your pants?

DAVE
No, but a fan may spill a drink
on me, just before I have to
film a segment.

ZOYSIA
More likely a fan would throw
a drink at you.

Zoysia cautiously pulls some white clothing from the middle of a pile of papers.

DAVE
This is all that stupid Amber’s
fault. She’s angry because I got
the TV gig while she got stuck
during low level fish research.

Zoysia pulls the cloth finally out from the pile of papers.

Zoysia sees the cloth is a pair of tights whitely underpants.

Zoysia quickly flicks the underpants onto the floor.

ZOYSIA
She’s upset because you have
more credentials. She only has
a masters in Marine Biology
and you have your doctorate.

DAVE
No, she’s upset because the
screen tests proved I have
the better looking legs.

ZOYSIA
But she had the better mustache.

DAVE
No, she’s OK looking. I mean, if
you like that type of woman.

ZOYSIA
Better looking than me?

DAVE
You’re married. I think you as my
associate. I don't think of you as
a woman.

ZOYSIA
Words every woman wants to hear.

Dave observes a pair of pants lying on top of his desk.

DAVE
Here they are.

Dave lifts the pants from the desk.

Dave unbuckles his buckle.

DAVE (cont’d)
Turn around.

ZOYSIA
I’m married. It’s nothing I haven’t
seen before.

DAVE
Yes, but you haven’t seen mine.

Zoysia mumbles to herself.

ZOYSIA
No, but I just touched one.

Zoysia turns around facing away from Dave.

Dave turns around facing away from Zoysia.

Dave takes off his soaked pair of pants.

Zoysia turns her head and watches Dave take off his pants.

Zoysia takes her cell phone out of a pocket.

Zoysia takes photographs of Dave in his underwear.

Dave puts on the clean pair of pants.

Zoysia puts away the camera.

DAVE
OK, you can look now.

Zoysia mumbles to herself.

ZOYSIA
Been there, done that.

DAVE
What?

ZOYSIA
What are we going to do next?

DAVE
We need to strike back at that
cheater Amber.

ZOYSIA
We could take water bottles and
soak her pants.

DAVE
No, it has to be something…
bigger than what she did to us.

ZOYSIA
Us? I’m not the idiot who drank
all that liquid.

DAVE
Let’s look at the Ocean Earth
Ringo Starr fish.

INT. OCEAN EARTH AQUARIUM - DAY

TOURISTS walk around the aquarium.

Dave and Zoysia stop at a tank of several gigantic Ringo Starrfish.

DAVE
I never realized Ringo Starrfish should
grow so large.

ZOYSIA
Sadly, they are vulnerable to many prey.
Yet, if they are removed from predators,
they can grow to be quite large.

DAVE
I have an idea.

ZOYSIA
What?

DAVE
Inform the producers I want to do an
episode of saving the Ringo Starrfish.

ZOYSIA
I thought you wanted to get back at
Amber, not help her work.

DAVE
Oh, this will move her research along
tremendously. Tell the producers we
will need several mobile aquariums.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE MARINE BIOLOGY BUILDING - NIGHT

Dave wearing a black hoodie emerges from a black van.

Dave to a security camera.

Dave removes black spray paint.

Dave sprays security camera lens with black paint.

Dave runs to the aquarium entrance.

Zoysia wearing a black hoodie emerges from the van.

Zoysia runs to the aquarium entrance.

Dave removes a paper clip.

Dave prepares to use the paper clip to unlock the door lock

Zoysia grabs the front door knob and turns the door knob.

Zoysia opens the unlocked door.

Dave runs to the van.

Zoysia runs to the van.

Dave and Zoysia carry an aquarium totally covered with a cloth from the van towards the door.

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE MARINE BIOLOGY HALLWAY - MORNING

A door reading “Bryce Wainwright Foundation Research on Ringo Starrfish” is at the end of the hallway.
Amber, carrying a cup of coffee, walks towards the research office.

Cecily, carrying a cup of coffee, walks towards the research office.

June, carrying a cup of tea, walks towards the research office.

CECILY
You sure put that Dave creep
in his place.

AMBER
It was good to see that capitalist
male chauvinist pig embarrassed
in public.

JUNE
We do all work with water.

AMBER
And Dave made water.

Amber opens the door to the research office

INT. AMBER STONE’S RESEARCH OFFICE - CONTINUOUS- MORNING

Amber walks into research office.

Cecily walks into the research office.

June walks into the research office.

Amber looks at the aquarium and screams.

Cecily looks at the aquarium and drops her coffee.

June looks at the aquarium and freezes.

Amber walks to the aquarium.

CECILY
What happened?

Amber looks at an aquarium containing only one large Ringo Starrfish.

AMBER
The fish must have eaten each other.
This is the last Ringo Starrfish.

JUNE
It’s so big.

AMBER
It ate well.

CECILY
Maybe its pregnant.

AMBER
It’s a male.

JUNE
I never knew Ringo Starrfish
ate their own.

AMBER
We have a journal article.

CECILY
And no more Ringo Starrfish
after this one.

The sound of laugher over a computer is heard.

AMBER
What was that?

June points to an open computer screen.

JUNE
It came from that.

Amber runs to see the computer screen.

June runs to see the computer screen.

Cecily runs to see the computer screen.

Dave is on the computer screen.

DAVE
Hello, losers, sorry to see your
research got eaten by…what
was that…your dog? No, I am
sure no one will buy that excuse.

AMBER
What do you know about this?

DAVE
Only that it seems like Ocean Earth
now is the only place with the last
Ringo Starrfish in captivity.

Dave stands back.

The computer screen shows a school of Ringo Starrfish in an aquarium.

AMBER
Probably the last Ringo Starrfish
anywhere. I am sure your sea
lions ate the rest.

DAVE
I am certain if the sea lions
smelled your scent on them, they
left them alone.

AMBER
Wait! You have our Ringo Starrfish!

DAVE
Surely you are mistaken.

AMBER
No, I see Syd there, and Calvin…

JUNE
There’s Engelbert.

DAVE
You have to be pulling my leg.

AMBER
No, we recognize the differences
amongst each fish.

CECILY
There’s Julie, and her boyfriend
Irving.

DAVE
I guess if you wish to continue
your research, you’ll have to
come and work underneath us
at Ocean Earth.

AMBER
You stole our fish!

DAVE
What evidence do you have?

AMBER
Why else would you leave this
computer on so you could rub
it in?

DAVE
Good point. Anyway, bye. I
have to go feed the sea lions.
I think they’s like Ringo Starrfish
for breakfast.

The screen goes black.

AMBER
Those big shots at Ocean Earth
think they can get away with
anything. Time to put them
in their place.

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Dave sits as his desk.

Bryce Wainwright enters Dave’s office.

Dave rises from his seat.

DAVE
Mr. Wainwright. What a pleasure.

BRYCE
Sit. I know my presence is as
welcome as your father at
your prom.

DAVE
To what do I owe this pleasure?

BRYCE
I hear you stole some of my fish,
which considering you work for me,
means I stole my own fish, which
I find very confusing.

DAVE
It was just a harmless prank between
two colleagues. No fish were harmed
during the prank.

BRYCE
Good. Now see to it that I return the
fish to myself before I get really angry
at myself. And I wouldn’t want to see
that.

DAVE
The fish will be returned immediately.

Bryce turns to exit

BRYCE
Good. One last bit of advice.

DAVE
What?

Bryce opens the door.

BRYCE
Next time, just tip her pigtail into the
ink well.

Bryce begins to walk out the door.

DAVE
What does that even mean?

Bryce walks into the hallway.

Bryce begins to close the door.

DAVE
Does that have something to do
with an octopus?

INT. DAVE’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Amber opens a window from outside.

Amber climbs through the inside into the living room.

Dave walks into the room wearing a brightly colored bathrobe.

Amber remains totally still.

Dave walks into another room.

Amber runs towards the room’s exit on the other end of the room.

Amber knocks over a lamp from on top of an end table.

Amber looks around quickly.

Amber hides underneath a table.

Amber moves a tablecloth down to hide herself from view.

As the tablecloth moves, a candlestick on the tablecloth falls off the table on the floor.

Dave runs into the room holding a baseball bat.

Dave looks around the room.

Dave looks around the fallen lamp.

Amber finds a cat next to her underneath the table.

Amber throws the cat out from underneath the table so the cat is on top of the fallen candlestick.

Dave walks to the candlestick.

Dave picks up the candlestick.

Dave picks up the tablecloth.

Dave removes the tablecloth, exposing Amber.

Dave does not see Amber.

Dave places the candlestick on top of the table.

Dave exits the room carrying the tablecloth.

Amber crawls from under the table.

Amber runs out the other exit of the room.

Amber reenters the room.

Amber picks up the lamp from the floor.

Amber puts the lamp back on the end table.

Amber runs out of the room.

Dave enters the room.

Dave walks to the lamp.

Dave appears puzzled as to the lamp being on the end table.

INT. DAVE’S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Amber pours out liquid from Dave’s shampoo bottle.

Amber removes a liquid container from her pocketbook.

Amber pours liquid from the liquid container into Dave’s shampoo bottle.

INT. DAVE’S BATHROOM - MORNING

Dave showers.

Dave pours blue liquid from his shampoo bottle into hands.

Dave shampoos his hair with the blue liquid.

Dave emerges from the shower.

Dave sees himself in a mirror with blue dyed hair.

Dave screams.

DAVE
AAUUGGHHH!

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - MORNING

Dave sits angrily is his chair with blue dyed hair.

Zoysia enters with blue dyed hair.

DAVE
I saw Amber got to you, as
well.

ZOYSIA
Amber? What are you talking
about.

DAVE
The blue hair.

ZOYSIA
Wow!  love it. I didn’t know
you were going to dye your
hair.

DAVE
Neither did I.

ZOYSIA
Where did you go? They did
a great job.

DAVE
I didn’t have to go far at all.

ZOYSIA
I had to go to Glendale. I
tell you, its easier to get
your nipples pierced.

DAVE
I wouldn’t know. So, you
dyed your hair blue on
purpose?

ZOYSIA
My husband finally talked
me into it.

DAVE
I’m sure it goes nicely with
your pierced nipples.

ZOYSIA
He seems to think so. Not
that you’ll ever find out.

DAVE
My blue hair was not
consensual.

ZOYSIA
What? Did you hook up
with a serial blue hair
dyer? How’d she do it?
She handcuffed you to the
bed? Did you dye all your
hair, or just the hair on your
head?

DAVE
I didn’t see who did it.

ZOYSIA
Kinky. Blindfolds and handcuffs.

DAVE
No. Someone sabotaged my
shampoo.

ZOYSIA
Who would do that? Did you not
call back a woman and now she’s
stalking you?

DAVE
It had to be Amber.

ZOYSIA
Of course. Why is it some people
believe she can just break into
your place just because we broke
into her place?

DAVE
Exactly. Amber knows my looks
are important to my work.

ZOYSIA
Maybe we can have you wear a
hat.

DAVE
Her looks don’t matter to her
work. She could shave her head
bald and her fish wouldn't care
one bit.

ZOYSIA
I wonder if sea lions react to
hair color changes.

DAVE
For now, let’s see how I can hide
this blue hair.

Bryce enters.

ZOYSIA
Mr. Wainwright!

Dave looks around the room.

Dave sees a report.

Dave grabs the report and holds up the report blocking the view of his head from Bryce’s view.

DAVE
Please, to, ahh, see you.

BRYCE
Dave, I heard you dyed your
hair blue.

Dave lowers the report.

DAVE
I have an explanation….

BRYCE
You should notify us before you
make any dramatic changes in
your appearance. After all, you
are our big TV star.

ZOYSIA
Dave can wear a hat…

BRYCE
I like it.

DAVE
You do?

BRYCE
We were wondering how to appeal
to younger viewers. I think that
might do the trick.

DAVE
Yes, yes. I think it may.

BRYCE
In fact, do you have a recommendation
on where to get your hair dyed?

ZOYSIA
You have a grandchild interested in
getting dyed hair?

BRYCE
No, its for me. All these years of being
called a blue hair, I think its time I actually
get my hair dyed blue.

ZOYSIA
I know an excellent place.

BRYCE
Would you please take me there?

ZOYSIA
With pleasure.

BRYCE
Also, I saw some rings I like. Do
you know if they also do nipple
piercings?

EXT. OCEAN EARTH AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY

Dave walks past the Tsunami Rollercoaster entrance.

Zoysia walks besides Dave.

Roller coaster noises and screams are heard.

A screaming distant voice is heard from the roller coaster.

DISTANT VOICE (v.o.)
Lord, kill me now.

KATEY SEAGULL, a mother, moves her son nine year old JOHNNY SEAGULL, away from the approaching Dave and Zoysia.

DAVE
We need to respond this
attack that Amber has made.

Dave and Zoysia walk past Katey and Johnny.

Katey speaks to Johnny.

KATEY
Never go near people with
blue hair, unless they live in
a nursing home.

Zoysia speaks to Dave.

ZOYSIA
At least your hair finally looks nice.

SUE COURTS, an attractive 19 year old in seductive tight jeans and blouse exposing her belly, runs up to Dave.

SUE
Dave Cleveland! I am your
biggest fan.

DAVE
Thank you.

SUE
How may I get on your show?
I’ll do anything.

DAVE
Do you have a college degree?

SUE
I’m a freshman at West Hollywood
Community College.

DAVE
Take courses in related fields, such
as Marine Biology and Communications…

SUE
I am taking an English course.

ZOYSIA
How is that related?

SUE
You speak English on your show

DAVE
When you get your degree, send
your resume to the Ocean Earth
employment office.

Sue licks her lips while looking seductively towards Dave.

SUE
I don’t want to work for Ocean
Earth. I want to work for you.

DAVE
Ocean Earth owns the show. I
work for Ocean Earth

Sue briefly rubs the her hips against Dave’s hip.

SUE
I want to work for you.

Dave quickly slides his body away from Sue.

DAVE
Sorry, I’m not…ah…hiring
anyone. Stay in school.
Study hard.

Dave walks quickly away from Sue.

Zoysia follows beside Dave.

Dave looks up at a photograph of himself on a billboard reading “Dave Cleveland Welcome You to Ocean Earth Park. Follow Dave on the TV series “Ocean Earth Saves”.

DAVE
I think it is time Amber gets her own
billboard.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREET - DAY

Amber carries groceries into an apartment building.

Amber holds the groceries to remove her buzzer to get into the building.

Amber looks up at a billboard across the street.

Amber freezes while reading the billboard.

The billboard shows Amber’s photograph with a print message of “Get Tested for VD and Treated at the Hollywood Clinic. Stop the spread of STDs.”

Amber drops her groceries and screams.

AMBER
AAUUUGGGHHH!

Katey walks towards Amber.

Johnny walks behind Katey.

Katey looks at the billboard.

Katey looks at Amber.

Katey grabs Johnny.

Katey moves Johnny’s face away from the billboard.

Johnny slips his head away from his mother’s grip and looks at the billboard.

Johnny turns towards Amber.

JOHNNY
Hi, pretty lady. What do I study to
get tested by you?

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY SPORTS FIELD - DAY

Amber, June, and Cecily jog on the track.

On the field, West Hollywood Dodo Bird FOOTBALL PLAYERS practice football.

AMBER
We need to figure out how to get
back at Dave.

JUNE
You realize this could escalate.

AMBER
I want revenge. I want to see Dave
crawling and begging for forgiveness.

CECILY
You do have the leather skirt for that.

AMBER
I want to make Dave cry tears.

JUNE
I fear Dave will only retaliate, but
stronger.

AMBER
I want to gain total control over Dave.

CECILY
If you want that, you should marry
him.

JUNE
Someone could get serious hurt.
Or someone’s research could
accidentally be destroyed. This
has to stop.

AMBER
What if I don’t want to it to stop?

CECILY
If you want to wrestle with Dave,
there are other ways to tangle.

AMBER
Those are mixed metaphors.

CECILY
So are you and Dave.

JUNE
I am calling Dave. We should
set up a meeting and agree to
end this feud.

CECILY
The two of you should share a
meal.

AMBER
OK, set up the meeting.

JOE BRADING, the Dodo Birds quarterback, overthrows a football.

The football hits Amber in the head.

Amber collapses.

Joe runs to Amber.

JOE
Dude, I am so sorry.

JUNE
That explains our winless
season.

JOE
Hey, we had one tie game.

JUNE
Zero to zero. How many touchdown
passes did you have in that game?

Joe thinks back trying to remember.

JOE
I don’t remember.

CECILY
Gang, I think Amber is hurt.

JOE
Who?

CECILY
The person you just killed.

JOE
Oh, no. I killed a dude. I think
that’s a three game suspension.

Amber sits up.


AMBER
I’m not dead, or a dude.

Joe looks at Amber.

JOE
Dude, you’re not a dude.

Amber looks at Joe.

From Amber’s point of view, Joe’s face is blurry.  The blurry face turns into Dave’s face.

AMBER
Dave, did you do this, you
rascal?

JUNE
Dave? Dave’s not here.

Cecil and June help Amber stand.

CECILY
We need to keep an eye
on her for the next day.
Amber might have a head
injury.

Amber turns to Joe.

AMBER
Maybe this handsome man
should spend the night with
me and make sure I don’t die.

JOE
I’d prevent you from dying, but
I have practice. Balls before
broads.

AMBER
Come on, Dave, you can at
least come over for a cup of
coffee.

JOE
Ahh, I gotta go. I’ll owe ya a
coffee if ya live.

Joe turns and starts jogging to his practice.

AMBER
Dave, don’t leave me.

JUNE
She definitely banged her
head bad.

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE CAFETERIA - DAY

Amber and Dave sit at a table.

DAVE
I got June’s message that
we should meet.

AMBER
I think we’ve reached the
point where we should agree
to a truce.

DAVE
Agreed. Billboard do cost.

AMBER
So you’ll take it down?

DAVE
I would, except the Hollywood
Clinic says they really like your
look. They’re paying for six
billboards on their own.

AMBER
What? Those billboards will
be around for what, months?

DAVE
Well, how about permanent
blue dyed hair?

AMBER
Your hair will grow out.

DAVE
As for your billboards, the
Hollywood Clinic will pay for
your photo. You can use the
money for your research.

AMBER
I guess that is a good result.

DAVE
To be honest, ratings are up
with my blue hair. People are
talking about it and tuning into
the show to see the hair.

AMBER
I am glad things worked out.

DAVE
Yes. We should be, ah, friends.

AMBER
I agree.

Dave makes nervous faces and taps his fingers nervously on the table.

DAVE
Yes, friends…friends…friends.

AMBER
So, do you have a…ah….a…
girlfriend?

Sue walks by.

Dave sees Sue.

Dave rises from his seat while waving at Sue.

DAVE
Sue! Over here.

AMBER
Who is this?

Sue walks over to Dave.

Dave sits.

Dave grabs Sue and has Sue sitting on Dave’s lap.

Sue makes a startled noise.

SUE
Oh!

DAVE
This is Sue, who, ah,
is….

SUE
Dave is the greatest man
ever.

HUGH LACKMAN, a 20 year old West Hollywood Community College student sitting at a table behind Amber, looks surprised while watching Sue.

DAVE
Let’s just say, Sue is the
best…ever.

SUE
I didn’t even send my resume
yet.

Dave emits a fake laugh.

DAVE
Sue, you’re so funny.

SUE
I am?

DAVE
So, Amber, are you seeing
anyone?

Joe walks by.

Amber grabs Joe.

Joe appears startled as Amber holds onto Joe.

AMBER
Joe, here I am….for that
coffee.

JOE
Did we have an appointment?

AMBER
Joe is always kidding.

Amber pulls Joe so Joe sits on  Amber’s lap.

JOE
Coach told us not to do this
unless it is with someone a
booster brings over.

AMBER
Joe is the quarterback.

DAVE
I’ve seen their games. That is
not something to boast about.

AMBER
Yeah, well, that may be my
photo on the billboard, but
at least I am not a patient
like I am sure Sue is.

Dave rises and stands.

Sue slides off Dave’s lap and stands.

DAVE
I have to get back to Ocean
Earth.

Amber pushes Joe off her lap.

AMBER
I have to get back to my lab.

Dave grabs Sue, pulls Sue close to him, and kisses Sue passionately.

Amber grabs Joe, pulls Joe close to her, and kisses Joe passionately.

Dave looks at Amber and holds Sue tighter.

Amber looks at Dave and holds Joe tighter.

Sue pulls herself away from Dave.

SUE
I think I just got the job.

Dave waves at Amber.

DAVE
See you later, alligator. Don’t
let the crocodiles eat all your
fish.

Amber shoves Joe away from her.

Amber turns to Dave.

AMBER
There are no crocodiles here,
only snakes.

Amber turns away from Dave, walks away, and exits.

Dave walks away and exits.

Hugh stands.

Hugh runs up to Sue.

HUGH
How dare you cheat on me
with that old man?

Joe reacts startled at seeing Hugh.

Joe taps Hugh on Hugh’s shoulder.

Hugh turns towards Joe.

JOE
Hugh? Are you cheating on
me with a…female?

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Zoysia walks around the room.

Dave walks around looking frustrated.

DAVE
Amber and I reached a truce,
but….

ZOYSIA
What is it? Spit it out?

DAVE
I don’t like her boyfriend.

ZOYSIA
What do you care?

DAVE
She’s dating some loser
dumb jock.

ZOYSIA
So? That was one of the
pranks we were thinking
about. We were going to
hire a dumb jock stalker.

DAVE
Who knew that was what
she was into.

ZOYSIA
Now we can stop wasting
time on finding ways to
prank Amber.

DAVE
I think I kind of miss pranking
her.

ZOYSIA
I had some good stuff in the
planning stages.

DAVE
Oh?

ZOYSIA
I phised her computer and got
all kinds of goods on her.

DAVE
Such as?

ZOYSIA
She doesn’t seem to have
a boyfriend, until, well, now,
I guess.

DAVE
Confirmed that with my two
eyes.

ZOYSIA
Also Amber may have overstayed
her student visa and never
achieved legal residency.

DAVE
I never knew she was a foreigner.

ZOYSIA
Her parents moved from Iceland
to Mexico. She grew up in Mexico
and is a Mexican citizen.

A knocking noise is heard on the door.

DAVE
Come in.

Sue opens the door and enters the room.

DAVE
Sue!

SUE
I came by to find out about the
job.

ZOYSIA
Job?

DAVIE
Zoysia, may I please speak to
Sue in private?

ZOYSIA
Sure thing, boss.

Zoysia exits through the door.

SUE
Will I be working with her?

DAVE
Ahh, no…maybe.

SUE
I am so glad to be alone.
I am your biggest fan, and
I want to prove I will make
a good employee

DAVE
Well, as I said before, you
need to get your degree
first.

SUE
I won’t take no for an answer.

DAVE
You have to understand…

SUE
You totally came onto me in
the cafeteria. And now you
seem to be finding a way
to ignore me. Do you like me,
or was that actionable sexual
harassment?

DAVE
I…ahh…like you.

Sue runs up and happily throws her arms around Dave hugging him.

SUE
I knew you liked me.

DAVE
Ah…of course I…ahh…do.

Dave tries to pull away from the hug.

Sue hugs Dave tighter.

SUE
I will never let you go.

DAVE
Well, I will need to..ahh…
go to the toilet sometime.

Sue lets go of Dave.

SUE
No, silly. I mean, I will always
be by your side. I will be your
most faithful companion.

DAVE
Just what I always wanted. My
parents never let me have a
puppy.

SUE
I can like your face, or wherever
you like.

DAVE
Oh…we…you can just…bark
every now and then.

SUE
Arf! Arf! You like it when I bark?

DAVE
You don’t really have to do that.

SUE
I can wag my tail.

DAVE
No need…

SUE
You know what you could do?

Dave mumbles to himself.

DAVE
I can move to a desert.

SUE
I want to show you have
talented I am. I have a way
of making people happy. I
want to show you that
tonight, back at my college.

DAVE
I am sure you are very
skilled, but…

SUE
Our school play opens tonight.
I have the lead part.

DAVE
Oh, well, yes, I would love to
do that.

SUE
I know when you see how
talented I am, you will beg
me to be on your show.

DAVE
I am sure I will be moved to
tears.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE THEATRE - NIGHT

Dave walks towards the theatre entrance.

Amber walks past Dave.

DAVE
Amber!

Amber turns towards Dave.

AMBER
Dave! What brings you here?

DAVE
My…ah…girlfriend Sue…is
in tonight’s production.

AMBER
I remember her. I am surprised
her parents let her out late
to date such an older man.

DAVE
Unlike your boyfriend who is
so young. Is that even legal
in California?

AMBER
Enjoy the show. I hope your
girlfriend breaks a leg.

DAVE
For the sake of the football
season, I hope your boyfriend
breaks his leg.

INT. JOE BRADING’S DORMITORY ROOM - NIGHT

Joe exercises with one arm push ups.

A knocking noise is heard.

Joe rises.

Joe walks to his cellphone and picks up the cell phone.

Joe speaks to his cellphone.

JOE
Hello.

A knocking noise is head.

Joe speaks to his cellphone.

JOE
Hello?

Amber’s voice is heard.

AMBER (O.S.)
Joe. Its me, Amber.

Joe speaks to his cellphone.

JOE
I’m having trouble hearing
you. The reception is horrible.

AMBER (O.S.)
Open your door.

Joe speaks to his cellphone.

JOE
Good idea. That might improve
the reception.

Joe opens the door.

Amber enters the room.

AMBER
Hi, Joe.

JOE
You should get your phone
checked. It is hard hearing
you.

Joe places his cellphone on his desk

AMBER
Joe, I want to take you to
the theatre tonight.

JOE
Nah, I don’t go for that sissy
stuff. Besides, I have plans.

AMBER
What plans?

JOE
There’s a drag show at the
gay bar.

AMBER
You can go to that after we do
what I need you for. I’ll go to
the drag show with you. Maybe
I can get some makeup ideas.

JOE
Yeah, but I have to write a
Marine Biology paper.

AMBER
That’s my field. I’ll help you
write the paper.

JOE
I don’t know. Coach doesn’t
like if we do that too often.

AMBER
I need you to be my boyfriend
for the night. I’ll pay you.

JOE
Nah, I gave that up a year ago.

AMBER
Not for sex. I need this guy to see
I have a boyfriend, so I don’t look
desperate.

JOE
So, you are so desperate, you want
me to pretend to be your boyfriend
so you don’t look desperate.

AMBER
Exactly.

JOE
OK. That makes sense.

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE THEATRE - NIGHT

A large clock in the room shows it is 7:58 pm.

Dave sits in the second row.

GROVER TOLEDO, a disheveled man, sits on the back row asleep in a sleeping bag.

No one else is in the theatre.

Amber and Joe enter the theatre.

Amber points at Dave and whispers to Joe.

Amber leads Joe to a seat in the front row in front of Dave.

Amber removes her shoes.

Amber puts her feet on Joe’s lap.

AMBER
Oh, Joe, would you please give
me one of your wonderful foot
massages.

JOE
Ah, m’am. Your feet are gnarly,
and I’m used to men’s locker
rooms.

Amber turns to Dave.

AMBER
Oh, hello Dave, I didn’t see
you there.

JOE
Yes you did. You pointed him
out as soon as we came in.

DAVE
I am glad you came to
support Sue’s acting.

AMBER
I do favor encouraging
children’s theater.

JOE
Cool. Is this a children’s
story? I like children’s stories.

DAVE
It is a modernistic minimalist
interpretation of Leon Tchaikovsky’s
Trials of a Fifty-eight Year Old
Virgin.

JOE
I like virgins.

DAVE
I am so sorry, Amber. I guess you
don’t stand a chance.

The nights dim.

AMBER
Where is the rest of the audience?

Grover awakens.

GROVER
They read the reviews.

The voice of the announcer, HARVEY FEIRSTONE, is heard.

HARVEY (O.S.)
Please take this time to turn off
your cellphones.

Joe stands.

AMBER
Where are you going?

JOE
I forgot my cellphone. I need
to go get it to turn it off.

Amber pulls Joe back to his seat.

AMBER
You can do that after the show.

JOE
OK, but if it rings during the show,
it’s on you.

Sue enters on stage.

Sue stands still.

SUE
Race.

Sue waits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Crime.

Sue waits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Lawyer.

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD COMMUNITY THEATRE - NIGHT

The large clock in the room shows it is 11:02 pm.

Sue stands still on the stage.

Grover, Dave, Amber, and Joe are asleep in their seats.

SUE
Trial.

Sue awaits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Witnesses.

Sue awaits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Evidence.

The stage goes dark.

Dave awakens.

Dave stands and claps his hands.

DAVE
Bravo! Bravo?

HARVEY (O.S.)
There will be a fifteen minute
intermission before the beginning
of act two.

Dave collapses looking frustrated.

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Dave and Zoysia walk around the office looking at story boards.

Sue enters the offie.

SUE
Hi.

DAVE
Oh, hello, you were wonderful
last night. You should win a Tony.

SUE
I don’t want any guy named Tony,
I want you.

ZOYSIA
Dave, I can see Sue will make a
a wonderful intern.

SUE
I thought maybe you didn’t like
my acting.

DAVE
Why would you say that?

SUE
I didn’t see you in th audience
for the third act.

DAVE
There was a third act?

SUE
The play gave me a great
idea for your TV show.

DAVE
Well, Zoysia, get your camera.
Let’s give Sue a screen test.

Zoysia picks up a camera.

Zoysia aims the camera towards Sue and turns the camera on.

SUE
OK, here goes.

Sue waits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Young sea lions.

Sue waits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Struggling.

Sue waits several seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Sad.

Dave whispers to Zoysia.

DAVE
We can always edit this out.

Zoysia whispers to Dave.

ZOYSIA
I’ve already stopped recording.

Bryce enters wearing a three piece suit and a white shirt.

DAVE
Hello, Mr. Wainwright.

BRYCE
Zoysia, I have a question.

ZOYSIA
Certainly, Mr. Wainwright.

Bryce rises his white shirt to expose his nipple ring.

BRYCE
How do you stop the nipple ring
from rubbing so much against the
shirt.

ZOYSIA
Try wearing a larger size shirt.

BRYCE
Good idea. Dave, I have some
news.

DAVE
Oh?

BRYCE
Ever since you dyed your hair
blue, ratings are down. Viewers
don’t like it. Blue hair is fine with
me, but viewers don’t have to
look at me. Or my nipple ring.
Although I wish they did.

DAVE
The blue hair will grow out soon.

BRYCE
Not soon enough. The network
says if rating don’t back up, your
show is canceled.

DAVE
I could wear a hat.

BRYCE
Give that a try.

SUE
You could add me to the show.
I’m an actor.

BRYCE
I know. I saw your play. I will
admit, you were fantastic in
that third act, but you still
need more work.

SUE
I’m sure Dave can teach me.

BRYCE
Zoysia, I have another question.
I see you poised Amber Stone’s
computer.

ZOYSIA
How did you…I mean…why do
you say that?

BRYCE
I phished your computer.

ZOYSIA
Why would you do that?

BRYCE
I do that to all work computers.
It’s a hobby of mine.

ZOYSA
I am very sorry for the photographs
of my husband on the chandelier….

BRYCE
I don’t care about that. I want to
ask you about what you found out
about Amber Stone’s immigration
status. I take illegal immigrants
taking away jobs for legal residents
quite seriously.

INT. DEAN HOWARD JOHN DEAN’S OFFICE - DAY

Amber walks through a door of the “Dean of the School of Natural Sciences.”

HOWARD JOHN DEAN, the Dean of the School of Natural Sciences, stands behind his desk.

HOWARD
Please have a seat, Dr. Stone.

AMBER
Thank you, Dr. Howard John Dean.

HOWARD
Please call me Dean Dean.

Amber sits on a chair in front of the desk.

Howard sits on a chair behind the desk.

AMBER
I shall. I guess you were meant
to be a Dean.

HOWARD
Why do you say that?

AMBER
Because…you’re last name is Dean,
and you are a Dean.

HOWARD
I don’t understand your point.

AMBER
So, why did you call me for this
meeting?

HOWARD
I understand you are dating a
student, Joe Brading.

AMBER
Yes, but don’t worry. I know the
rules are you can’t date a student
of yours, and he is not one of my
students.

HOWARD
He is a student of yours.

AMBER
I’ve never seen him in class.

HOWARD
According to attendance records,
most of your students don’t attend
classes.

AMBER
I had no idea he was enrolled in
my class.

HOWARD
You should check your class registry
more often.

AMBER
Don’t worry. I shall immediately break
off our relationship.

HOWARD
That is not why I called you here.

AMBER
Oh?

HOWARD
Joe was bragging you helped him
write his Marine Biology paper.

AMBER
I was only helping instruct
him in my field.

HOWARD
You wrote a paper for your
own class.

AMBER
I did not realize that. Don’t
worry, I will require that Joe
write his own paper.

HOWARD
That is not why I requested
you be here.

AMBER
I don’t understand.

HOWARD
News of this is filtering out.
This should cause us to be
forced to forfeit all of our
football games.

AMBER
The team hasn’t won any
games.

HOWARD
That isn’t the point. You’ve
endangered our ability to
give our future athletic
scholarships.

AMBER
I am so sorry. It will never
happen again.

HOWARD
The problem is it happened.
I regret to inform you that
your employment with this
college is being terminated,
and funding for your research
of, what is it, the Beatles fish…

AMBER
Ringo Starr fish.

HOWARD
…is terminated. You and your
fish have two weeks to remove
all your, whatever it is you have.
And your assistants, Cecily
Villacetti and June Sparrow, that
their services also will no longer
be required.

INT. AMBER STONE’S RESEARCH OFFICE - DAY

Amber, Cecily, and June sadly pack objects into belonging.

CECILY
This is all so awful.

JUNE
What will happen to the
fish?

AMBER
Contact everyone you know.
Someone has to take them.

JUNE
We could move them to my
house, if we don't find anyone.

AMBER
How could this day possibly
get any worse?

There is a loud pouring knock on the door.

Amber walks to the door and opens the door.

Three Immigration officers, VLAD IMPALA, BORIS CARLOTT, and JOAN CRAWLBUICK, burst in.

VLAD
Are you Amber Strong?

AMBER
I am.

BORIS
You are under arrest for
suspicion of violating
immigration laws.

JUNE
What did you do, hire an
illegal alien?

JOAN
No, Miss Strong allegedly
is in this country illegally.

CECILY
She’s Icelandic. Isn’t Iceland
part of America?

VLAD
She’s a Mexican citizen.

Boris points towards the fish

BORIS
What are these?

JUAN
They are Ringo Starrfish.

JOAN
As in rock and roll drug
music. Do these fish
secrete a hallucinogen?

CECILY
No, they do not. They’re
endangered.

VLAD
Maybe they would be
less endangered if they
did secrete a hallucinogen.

Vlad, Boris, and Joan grab Amber.

AMBER
Call my lawyer.

JUNE
Who’s your lawyer?

AMBER
Find me a lawyer.

INT. IMMIGRATION DETENTION VISITOR ROOM - DAY

Joe sits across from Amber.

JOE
The whole class misses you.
That all wanted to say one
thing.

AMBER
What’s that?

JOE
How will this affect our grades?

AMBER
I am sure the college will figure
that out.

JOE
How’s the food?

AMBER
The school cafeteria is better.

JOE
That bad?

AMBER
I asked you here because I want
to ask you for a favor.

JOE
What?

AMBER
If I can tell the immigration authorities
I am engaged and then get married,
I may have a chance at staying in
the country.

JOE
Cool. How are you going to marry?

AMBER
I am hoping it would be you.

JOE
Me?

AMBER
I know it would be a big deal.

JOE
I no we dated just once, but I
don’t think we know enough
about each other to get married.

AMBER
It would just be a marriage long
enough to let me avoid deportation.

JOE
You do know I am gay, right?

AMBER
We wouldn’t want to have sex.

JOE
Then why get married?

AMBER
This would work out great for
both of us. You’re a football
player. You could hide your
being gay from your teammates.

JOE
My teammates all know. Many
of my teammates are gay. Being
gay is not the stigma it was a
few years ago. My generation is
very accepting of each other for
who they are.

AMBER
Then please accept me for who
I am, a foreigner who just wants
to continue the life I have established
here.

JOE
I don’t know.

AMBER
You can make a difference in one
life. Please help me.

INT. TELEVISION SCREEN - NIGHT

An episode of “Ocean Earth Saves” appears on the screen showing Dave, who is wearing a hat hiding his blue hair.

DAVE
Welcome to another edition of Animal
World Network’s show “Ocean Earth
Saves”. I am your host, Dave Cleveland.
When not filming, you can meet me when
you visit the Ocean Earth Hollywood
theme park. Stay at the Ocean Earth
Hotel, and there is a chance you can get
an autograph and a photograph with me
at the exciting Ocean Earth Hotel Breakfast
Buffet.

Sue appears on the screen.

SUE
And I am Sue Courts. I will be dramatizing
the horror of oil spills in poetic drama.

Sue waits a few seconds.

SUE (cont’d)
Oil.

Sue waits a few seconds.

SUE
Spilled.

Sue waits a few second.

SUE
Bad.

INT. DAVE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Dave lies in bed alone watching Sue on his TV screen.

Dave sits up startled.

DAVE
WHAT IN THE NAME OF OF
A SEAGUL’S BEAK IS THIS?

INT. BRYCE WAINWRIGHT’S OFFICE - DAY

Bryce sits behind his desk.

Zoysia sits in a chair.

Dave paces around the room looking angry.

DAVE
How did Sue Courts get on last
night’s show?

ZOYSIA
I did not film that footage.

BRYCE
Calm down. It was my decision
to add her.

DAVE
Why would you do that? It’s my
show.

BRYCE
No, it’s my show. I can do with
it what I wanted.

DAVE
She was terrible.

BRYCE
Maybe she has what the youth
market wants to see.

ZOYSIA
I think no market wants to see
that.

BRYCE
I may be getting old, but I
understand these kids. I know
how to reach out to them.

DAVE
There is more to understanding
the youth market than getting
a nipple ring.

BRYCE
In a few moments I am getting an
email with last night’s ratings. I bet
your ratings shot up with Sue
Courts. You may have heard of
emails. It is what young people use
to send letters to each other.

A beep announcing an email has reached Bryce’s computer inbox rings.

BRYCE (cont’d)
There are the ratings.

Bryce moves his mouse to open the email.

Bryce reads the email.

Dave anxiously looks at Bryce.

Zoysia anxiously looks at Bryce.

Bryce frowns.

BRYCE (cont’d)
You both may wish to update
your resumes.

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Dave sits behind his desk.

Joe sits down in a chair in front of the desk.

DAVE
So, Joe, what brings you
here?

JOE
I have a coupe of things to
ask.

DAVE
Go ahead.

JOE
If you haven’t heard, Amber
and I are getting married.

Dave is shocked.

DAVE
I…had no idea you two were
that serious.

JOE
Neither did I.

DAVE
How may I help you?

JOE
Will you be our maid of honor?

DAVE
What?

JOE
Amber says you’re her best
friend.

DAVE
I’m her best friend?

JOE
Actually, she said you’re her
only friend.

DAVE
What about Cecily and June?

JOE
They not longer talk to Amber
since Amber lost their funding.

DAVE
They lost their funding? What
happened to the project?

JOE
It’s done. The fish are in
June’s apartment. No one
wants them.

DAVE
That’s terrible.

JOE
I know. June really got
stuck with those big
aquariums.

DAVE
The fish should be kept
under proper conditions,
not in some apartment.

DAVE
If I am Amber’s only friend,
why isn’t she asking me to
be in her wedding?

JOE
Oh, she in immigration
detention.

DAVE
What?

JOE
Yeah, that’s kinda why we’re
getting married. To try and keep
her in the country; so I can get
a good grade in Marine Biology.

DAVE
No. Bryce Wainwright must
have turned her in. And…
I did nothing.

INT. BRYCE WAINWRIGHT OFFICE - DAY

Dave angrily walks around the office.

Bryce sits defensively behind his desk.

DAVE
How could you have turned
Amber over to immigration
authorities.

BRYCE
I have a duty as an employer
to uphold the law.

DAVE
Don’t you have a duty to
support people working to
fulfill your research mission?

BRYCE
The law is the law.

DAVE
The law is wrong. People
like Amber are making
positive contributions to
our nation, to our world.
What good does it do to
destroy her life and ruin
her work; work that is
important to marine
biology.

BRYCE
There are rules that to follow.
Our society is based on rules
that protect jobs for people
legally qualified to take them
not for people without a legal
right to them.

DAVE
The law makes no sense. Illegal
aliens commit the least amount
of crime…

BRYCE
Because they don’t want contact
with law enforcement.

DAVE
Exactly. Yet that makes them the most
law abiding citizens. They are among
the hardest workers, and they do so
without getting the benefits of citizens.

BRYCE
They get the benefits of health care
and public schools for their children.

DAVE
Which makes us stronger as a nation.
The most productive generation of
employees are second generation
residents seeking to assimilate.

BRYCE
While the first generation rips off
the system.

DAVE
This is a global economy with a
mobile labor force. The nations
whose economies grow the most
will be the ones who attract more
workers.

BRYCE
If you don’t like the law, then change
it.

DAVE
I shall. I will stand up and become
an activist against a law that works
against our national interest.

BRYCE
You do so, and I will fire you from
your TV show.

DAVE
You do so, you have to buy out my
contract.

BRYCE
With pleasure.

DAVE
I will accept under two conditions.

BRYCE
You are not in much of a position
to negotiate.

DAVE
They are reasonable demands.
In fact, I don’t want your money.
I want you to give my buyout
money to two good things.

BRYCE
What are they?

DAVE
You hire Zoysia to take over the
TV show.

BRYCE
Done. At this point, I wish I had
hired her instead of you in the
first place.

DAVE
The other is you use the rest of
it to continue the research of
Amber’s research, which you were
funding before you took it away.

BRYCE
Why should I support the research
of an illegal alien?

DAVE
Because the others involved in
the project are citizens, and because
the fish that will be saved need to
be saved. The fish species still
needs to be saved, even though
I should warn you, some have been
known to swim from Mexican waters
into  American waters.

BRYCE
I accept your conditions. Not get
out of my sight, and never set
foot on Ocean Earth property
ever again.

INT. IMMIGRATION DETENTION VISITOR ROOM - DAY

Dave, sits alongside JOHNNY BENCHED, dressed in a tie and suit.

Amber sits across from Dave and Johnny.

DAVE
I am so sorry you are here.
I am going to do everything
I can to give you out of here.

AMBER
Thank you.

DAVE
And I am honored to be your
Best Man.

AMBER
Maid of honor.

DAVE
This is Johnny Benched. He is
the best immigration attorney.
I will pay for his services.

JOHNNY
I have gotten mobsters avoid
deportation to Italy, Greece,
and Spain. I have gotten Internet
fraud scammers avoid deportation
to India, Nigeria, and Ireland. It
will be a breeze to get a scientist
to avoid deportation to Iceland.

AMBER
Well, my parents were born in
Iceland, yet I was born and raised
in Mexico and am a Mexican citizen.

JOHNNY
Mexico? Nooooo, you’re screwed.

INT, BRIDAL SHOP STORE - DAY

Dave, Joe, and Hugh walks around the store.

JOE
We should be able to find our
wedding party dress here.

DAVE
Where is the tuxedo section?

HUGH
Tuxedo. We’re wearing dresses.

JOE
Where is it stated the groom and
best man have to wear tuxedos.

HUGH
We wear dresses all the time.

JOE
We never wear tuxes. Why should
we start now?

DAVE
Well, where do I go to get my tux?

HUGH
I’m sorry, but you’re the maid of
honor. It is dresses all around.

INT. BRIDAL SHOP - LATER - DAY

Dave, Joe, and Hugh walk around wearing overly puffy bridesmaid dresses.

INT. BRIDAL SHOP-LATER - DAY

Dave, Joe, and Hugh walk around wearing bridesmaid dresses in bring fluorescent colors with flashing lights.

INT. BRIDAL SHOP - LATER - DAY

Dave, Joe, and High walk around wearing  football helmets and wearing ugly bridesmaid dresses with high shoulder pads with sports numbers on the back.

INT. DAVE’S OCEAN EARTH OFFICE - DAY

Dave and Zoysia walk around the office.

DAVE
I have some good news
and some bad news.

ZOYSIA
Oh?

DAVE
The good news is you are
taking my place in charge
of sea animal rescue.

ZOYSIA
Why?

DAVE
The show has been canceled.
I think it is time to move on.

ZOYSIA
I am so sorry.

DAVE
I asked that my salary be
divided to give you a raise
and to continue the Ringo
Starrfish project.

ZOYSIA
What are you going to do?

DAVE
It is time for a new chapter
in life. Without blue hair.

INT. JUNE’S APARTMENT - DAY

June walks around her small sized apartment.

An aquarium of Ringo Starfish is longer than the apartment, fits in an angle, and takes up a large portion of the apartment.

Dave walks around looking at the aquarium.

JUNE
Thank you for taking the fish to
Ocean Earth.

DAVE
Thank Bryce Wainwright. He
supports your research and
reinstated your funding.

JUNE
That’s wonderful. I am glad
our work will move forward.

DAVE
Also, Bryce Wainwright said
you may keep your old jobs at
your previous salaries.

JUNE
That is wonderful. Tell Bryce
Wainwright than you.

DAVE
You tell him. I am moving
onto to other projects.

JUNE
What project is that

DAVE
One where I will hire Amber
when she gets out.

JUNE
I hear that isn’t likely.

DAVE
Never give up hope.

JUNE
I have been saying
that to the fish.

DAVE
I wish people would hear
your hope.

INT. IMMIGRATION DETENTION VISITOR ROOM - DAY

Dave sits across from Amber.

DAVE
How are you doing?

Amber looks away pretending to ignore Dave.

DAVE (cont’d)
Is something wrong?

Amber looks furious at Dave.

AMBER
I know you get some perverse
pleasure pranking me, but this
has crossed the line.

DAVE
What are you talking about?

AMBER
Let me ask you one question.
Please be honest.

DAVE
OK.

AMBER
Did you, or did you not, know that
Bryce Wainwright knew I was an
illegal immigrant?

DAVE
Yes…but I didn’t…

AMBER
I never want to see you again,
ever.

Amber quickly stands.

Amber turns and walks away from  Dave

DAVE
Wait…I can explain…

Amber leaves the area.

INT. IMMIGRATION COURT ROOM - DAY

Judge JUDITH JAY sits on the judge’s chair.

Johnny and Amber sit at a table facing Judge.

Joe, Hugh, and Dave sit in the audience.

JUDITH
This is one of the most
bizarre cases I have ever
handled.

JOHNNY
Your honor, Johnny Benched,
attorney at law, here to answer
any questions.

JUDITH
I am quite familiar with you,
Mr. Bench. You have appeared
before me many times.

JOHNNY
I know you are a wise judge. I
have never lost a case before
you.

JUDITH
There is  first time for everything.

JOHNNY
Why break tradition?

JUDITH
I have never before heard a case
where the defendant has requested
I perform a marriage ceremony after
I decide the case.

JOHNNY
Since your wise decision will allow
this marriage to go forth, we thought
it fitting that you be a part of the
happy celebration.

JUDITH
That is a bit presumptuous.

JOHNNY
I presume nothing than your continued
wisdom.

JUDITH
The obvious problem is the defendant,
Amber Stone, states she should not be
deported is because she is going to
marry an American citizen. You do realize
that the law requires her to already be
married, not intend to be married.

JOHNNY
Yet it was only the incarceration that
prevented the marriage that would
have allowed my client to remain in
the United States

JUDITH
You also realize the court wishes to
determine that this is in fact going
to be a legal marriage and not one
designed to prevent deportation.

JOHNNY
I stake my reputation that this union
is one bound my love and not to
circumvent the law.

JUDITH
Your reputation has no legal merit
in the court. I need convincing
evidence.

JOHNNY
I have a wedding invitation,
submitted as Evidence A,
showing a prior date as the
wedding date.

JUDITH
Do you have a receipt as to
when these invitations were
printed?

JOHNNY
I do not.

JUDITH
How do I know these invitations
were not produced after the
date for purpose of deceiving
this court?

JOHNNY
Amber Stone and Joseph Brading,
the groom, will testify to their
legitimacy.

JUDITH
If you do not have a receipt, why did
you not return to the printers and
have them create a duplicate receipt?

JOHNNY
We would. Unfortunately, the company,
Harold’s Speedy Printing, went out of
business last week.

JUDITH
I am to believe that?

JOHNNY
You may check the bankruptcy announcements
to verify that.

JUDITH
I did. This printers was one hundred
twenty miles away from the bride’s
address. Why would one travel that
far for a speedy printing shop?

JOHNNY
Personal preference. You know how
picky brides get.

JUDITH
I do not know that. I was a perfectly
rational bride.

JOHNNY
There is no legal requirement that
one be rational.

JUDITH
But there is a requirement that one
act legally.

JOHNNY
I assure you this engagement would
have made Amber’s stay in the
United States legal.

JUDITH
I wish to address the defendant.

AMBER
Certainly, your highness.

JOHNNY
My client is nervous.

JUDITH
As much as I wish I were “her
highness”, you may address me
as “your honor”.

AMBER
Yes, ma’am, I mean, your
honor.

JUDITH
Of what country are you a citizen?

AMBER
Mexico, your honor.

JUDITH
Did you enter this country
legally?

AMBER
I did. I entered originally
on a student visa.

JUDITH
At the time of your incarceration,
were you still a student with
a valid student visa?

AMBER
I finished my doctorate studies
and was teaching and researching
at West Hollywood Community
College.

JUDITH
The answer to my question is
yes or no.

AMBER
I forgot all about my visa, you
know, having so assimilated
in the campus environment.

JUDITH
I am taking that as you did not
have a valid visa.

AMBER
I…simply forgot.

JUDITH
Being forgetful is not a legal
defense.

AMBER
Do you have any proof that
this marriage was interrupted
by your detention?

AMBER
Yes. The Dean of my school
discovered my affair with Joe
and fired me for that affair
before I was detained.

JOHNNY
Please look at evidence B.
You will see a copy of the letter
of dismissal signed by the
Dean and dated before the
immigration raid.

JUDITH
Is it against school policy for
a teacher and student to date?

JOHNNY
Your honor, violating school
policy is not a criminal matter.

AMBER
Joe and I could not help
ourselves, we were so much
in love.

JUDITH
The court needs to be
convinced this is not a sham
engagement.

JOHNNY
Your honor, the defendant and
I feel great disrespect that the
court doubts the love between
Amber Stone and Joseph
Brading.

JUDITH
Feel whatever you wish. It is
the duty of the court to determine
the truth.

AMBER
It is the truth, your honor.

JUDITH
Miss Stone. You state you
would have married Joseph
Brading had immigration
authorities not arrested you
for being in this country
illegally. Is that correct?

AMBER
That is correct, your honor.

JUDITH
What is Joseph Brading’s
middle name?

AMBER
Peyton.

JUDITH
Where was Joseph Brading
born?

AMBER
Truth or Consequences, Arizona.

JUDITH
How appropriate. Where else
has Joseph Brading lived?

AMBER
His parents moved to Phoenix
when he was two years old.
He grew up there and lived
there until he moved to Los
Angeles to attend West
Hollywood Community
College.

JUDITH
What sports did Joseph
Brading play in high school?

AMBER
Baseball and football, your
honor.

JUDITH
What positions did Joseph
Brading play in baseball?

AMBER
Outfield was the only
position he played in baseball,
your honor.

JUDITH
What position did he play in
high school football?

AMBER
Just quarterback, the same
position he still plays at
West Hollywood Community
College, your honor.

JUDITH
How many brothers and sisters
does Joseph Brading have, and
please name them.

AMBER
He has an older brother William and
a young sister Sheila, your honor.

JUDITH
What are the names of his
parents?

AMBER
William, Senior, and Rosslyn,
your honor.

JUDITH
What is Rosslyn’s maiden name?

AMBER
Charters, your honor.

JUDITH
What are the names of Joseph
Brading’s grandfathers and
grandmothers?

AMBER
I am sorry. That never came up
in conversation.

JUDITH
Well, maybe that wasn’t on the
list for you to memorize.

JOHNNY
Your honor, we are insulted…

JUDITH
I know, I know. Let us move
on. I wish to please question
Josepn Brading.

Joe rises from his seat?

JOE
Me, your ma’am-ness?

JUDITH
If you are Joseph Brading,
please step forward.

JOE
I am.

JUDITH
I remind you that you are
still under oath from
earlier today.

JOE
I thought I was done.

JUDITH
We are just getting
started.

JOE
I didn’t realize this would
be so complicated.

JUDITH
What is Amber Stone’s
middle name?

JOE
Ahhhh. Drat. I can’t
remember.

JUDITH
How many siblings does
Amber Stone have?

JOE
You know, these things
never really came up
when we speak.

JUDITH
What do you talk about?

JOE
You know, football stuff,
plays, opposing teams.

JUDITH
Do you ever discuss Amber
Stone’s work.

JOE
Sure. She helps me learn
all about marine biology.

JUDITH
What is the name of the
fish species hat Amber Stone
is working to save?

JOE
Oh, wait, I know this one…

JUDITH
You can’t immediately recall
what it is that Amber Stone
devotes much of her life
towards.

JOHNNY
To be fair, your honor, the
courtroom setting and
your demeanor can be
upsetting to a young man.
I mean, I listen to your
questions, and I start
doubting what my own
name is.

JUDITH
Joe, how often do you
and Amber speak to each
other.

JOE
You know, we like talk,
when we get together.

JUDITH
Have you had physical
relations with Amber Stone?

Joe blushes and looks anxiously towards Hugh.

JOE
That’s private.

JUDITH
Not in the eye of this court Your
generation posts your relationship
status on social media. Have you
had relations with Amber Stone?

JOE
No, I haven’t.

JUDITH
Are you waiting to have sex after
marriage for religious or moral
reasons?

JOE
Oh, know. It’s not like that I
have sex all the time.

JUDITH
But not with Amber Stone?

JOE
Ahhh. I guess not.

JUDITH
Joe, answer me honestly,
do you love Amber Stone?

Joe lowers his head.

JOE
No.

JUDITH
It is the determination of this
court that the engagement between
Amber Stone and Joseph Brading
was a fiction designed to deceive
this court.

Dave stands.

DAVE
I OBJECT!

JUDITH
Who are you?

DAVE
I am Dave Cleveland.

JUDITH
I know you. I watched your TV
program, until recently anyway.
I didn’t like your blue hair.

DAVE
Your honor, Joe Brading does
not love Amber Stone.

JOHNNY
I object to this testimony…

DAVE
But I do.


DAVE (cont’d)
The relationship between Amber
and Joe may be a sham, but
the love between me and Amber
is real.

JUDITH
Mr. Cleveland, your relationship
with Amber Stone is of no concern
to the court.

DAVE
Our relationship is of primary concern
to this court. After your dismiss
whatever the charges are against
Amber, I want the court to marry
Amber and me.

AMBER
What?

Dave turns towards Amber.

Dave gets down on bended knee.

DAVE
Amber, I have been in love with
you for years. I just never knew
how to say it. Now I realize the
best way is to just come out
and say it.

JUDITH
The court is not impressed with
a sham display of affection.

DAVE
A sham display of affection?
Do you know what I have done
to show my affection?

JUDITH
No, the court has no evidence
of that.

DAVE
Have you seen the embarrassing
billboard of Amber for the sexually
transmitted diseases clinic? I did
that.

JUDITH
I don’t understand.

DAVE
I even stole all her fish to show
my affection for her.

JUDITH
How does that prove your love
for Amber Stone?

DAVE
It doesn’t. It just shows that I
was stupid in love, and I didn’t
know how to properly show it.

JUDITH
I don’t find that as convincing
evidence of love.

Dave stands before Amber.

Dave gets on one knee.

DAVE
Amber, I have loved you for years
and didn't know how to show it.
I don’t want to lose you. Will
you marry me?

AMBER
You said nothing when Bryce
turned my name over to
immigration authorities.

DAVE
I didn’t know he was going to
do that. You’re right, I should
have said something. That is
why I am trying to make up for
it now.

AMBER
So is your proposal out of
guilt?

DAVE
No, it is out of love. I will prove
that to you.

Dave rises.

Dave faces Judith.

DAVE (cont’d)
Your honor, I request that you
please perform a marriage
ceremony between me and Amber.

AMBER
Ahem.

DAVE
That is, of course, presuming
Amber will have me.

AMBER
Dave, you’ve been the biggest
jerk I’ve faced in my life. And I’ve
been the biggest jerk towards you.
Because I also did not know how
to admit I love you.

DAVE
You love me?

AMBER
Yes, you fool, I love you.

DAVE
Will you marry me?

AMBER
I will.

Dave runs to Amber.

Dave and Amber romantically hug and kiss.

JOHNNY
Your honor, I ask that you
marry this happy couple,
that you dismiss the charges
against Amber Stone, and that
Amber and Dave be allowed
to live a life of happiness and
contributions towards American
marine biology.

JUDITH
As unusual as this sounds,
I am convinced that Amber Stone
and Dave Cleveland love each
other.

DAVE
Thank you, your honor.

JUDITH
Yet the law recognizes facts, not
love. As much as I am moved by
the statements of Dave Cleveland,
this court finds that Amber Stone
is in the United States illegally.
The court orders  Amber Stone
to be deported to Mexico.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SMALL SCHOOLHOUSE IN SMALL MEXICAN VILLAGE - DAY

Cecily, June, and Amber walks towards the schoolhouse.

AMBER
It is so nice of you to visit.

CECILY
We hope you will move back someday.

AMBER
No, I think I realize now that Mexico
is my home.

JUNE
We hope you’ll change your mind.

AMBER
Well, never say never. How are the
Ringo Starrfish doing?

CECILY
Quite well. The research continues
going forward. We are replenishing
the stock of Ringo Starrfish. We
have saved a species.

AMBER
Congratulations.

JUNE
We’ll see to it that you get
credit for your contributions.

CECILY
And Dave, as well.

AMBER
Dave?

JUNE
Yes. It turns out that it was Dave
was convinced Bryce Wainwright
to keep the Ringo Starrfish project.

AMBER
I didn’t know that. Well, Dave
continues to surprise me.

CECILY
So, how are you enjoying being
a school teacher?

AMBER
I love it. It’s a small school. Only
two teachers for the village. Yet
I believe I am making a positive
contribution to the future of so
many young lives.

JUNE
Who is the other teacher?

AMBER
We got a great teacher…

Amber, Cecily, and June reach the front of the schoolhouse.

Amber opens the door to the schoolhouse.

AMBER
My husband.

Through the open door can be seen Dave teaching the students.

FADE OUT

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